He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
