The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
