quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
