i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
