: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I have fence marks all over my body
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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