bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
