I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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