he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
