The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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