I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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