Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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