didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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