Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
