I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
