I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Green mimosas i think yes
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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