He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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