I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
