Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
