Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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