went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
