My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My pussy is not your playground.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
