i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
