Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just want to make out with him forever
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
