And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
