Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
