we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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