Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
