oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
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A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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