I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
