i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
