I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
