Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
