I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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