i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
