I will die if light touches me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
