after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
