I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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