dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
