Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
