Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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