I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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