can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
