the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
After tacos, we're chasing women.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
