Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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