this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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