I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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