Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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