I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
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Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon