I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.