the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
organizing the empties. That sober.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?