there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
