Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
