is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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