Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she looked like the before picture.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
