is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
