my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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