My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
