my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
