I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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