you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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