if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
